The Letter
by AngelaRB
Summary: Remus Lupin recieves a letter from a dear friend at the end of the night after that fateful incident at the Department of Mysteries. Do not read this if you haven't read book five. I long for reviews.


As soon as Remus Lupin stepped through the front door of Number 12 Grimmauld Place, he was completely overcome by a sensation that he had once hoped he'd never have to experience again. It was a sensation that had haunted every inch of his being for the vast majority of his life, and for once he thought that it may have been gone for good. The feeling of utter, horrible, nightmarish aloneness was so intense that he had to pause for a moment in the doorway and close his eyes in order to keep from swaying on his feet and becoming dizzy.

He had just experienced what was undoubtedly the longest night of his life. Strangely though, as soon as he knew that Harry and the other children were safe back at Hogwarts and the arrests of the Death Eaters they had managed to detain were processed, the last thing he wanted to do was come back here.

He opened his eyes and looked around the dark house that was just beginning to look like a real home again, and was once again overcome by how still it seemed. Remus was tempted to taunt the wretched painting of Sirius's mother just to make her yell at him, but he didn't want to be the one to tell her that her son had fallen. He was afraid that she'd think it was good news.

Slowly walking upstairs toward his bedroom, he paused for a moment before that room that had been Sirius's. Though he was gone now (it pained him to even think those words), Remus had to grin for a moment when he thought about the fact that he briefly had one of the best friends he ever had back in his life again. It had nearly killed him those years ago when James and Lily were killed, and then so soon afterwards he thought that Peter had fallen at the hands of Sirius himself. In just a matter of days he lost the closest thing to a real family he ever had who accepted him, loved him unconditionally and didn't care a thing about his condition.

Of course, since he was always known as the level headed one who didn't let his emotions control him he had shown the world nothing but a calm demeanor and a straight face in the wake of such tragedy and betrayal. On the inside though, he was screaming in agony for a long, long time.

That night though…oh, that night when he found out that Peter had been the one who had betrayed James and Lily and that Sirius didn't do any of the things that the wizarding world had accused him of…it was as if he had gotten his brother back.

Having Padfoot back in his life was enough to lessen the sting that jolted his heart when he decided that it would be best to leave his students that he loved so dearly since they all had learned of his secret. Leaving his teaching job at Hogwarts had been one of the most painful decisions he ever had to make. It was absolutely invigorating seeing all of those innocent, fresh faces who were actually interested in what he had to say and seemed to enjoy themselves in his classes. But yes, suddenly having something familiar in his life as he left one of the greatest things that ever happened to him made something that would have probably thrown him into a depression bearable.

Walking on to his room, he opened the door and immediately thought that something was different. He looked around for a moment at the tall stacks of books, the case where he held his supply of Wolfsbane that Severus was still kind enough to supply him with (though every time he gave him a fresh batch the look of disgust on his face was nearly laughable) and his trunk full of clothes, and dismissed the feeling as a result of the overwhelming loneliness he was experiencing.

Taking off his shoes and lying down, Remus was struck again by how quiet the house was as he stared at the cracked ceiling above him. Since they were boys, Sirius always had an unbelievably strong presence. One could have their back to the door of any room, and they'd always know the instant that Sirius walked into the room. It was as if an electric energy surrounded him that made everyone who ever got to know him immediately have an intense reaction (be it positive or negative) to every aspect of his personality.

Lying there in the dark, Remus longed to feel that presence and that energy once more…but it was gone for good this time. Realizing that he wouldn't be falling asleep for quite some time, Remus sat up in his bed and rested his weary head on the head-board behind him.

"It should have been me."

Breaking the infernal stillness and silence of the house for a moment, Remus immediately knew the words he spoke were the absolute truth. He should have been the one who was hit by Bellatrix's curse and fell through that veil.

Remus suddenly had an image of Harry, Ron, Hermione, the twins and Ginny, and how they looked at Sirius. He was a hero to all of them, and rightfully so. The thought of what poor Harry especially was going through at that very moment made him press the palms of his hands to his eyes and for the first time in his life felt guilty for being alive.

If he had been the one who died, perhaps the children, Sirius, Tonks, Kingsley, the Weasleys, Dumbledore and the others had grieved for him. After a while though, his memory would have faded and he would have been forgotten as they all moved on with their lives and found bigger and better things to focus their attention on. Sirius, on the other hand, would never be forgotten. As time passed, Remus knew that his friend's legacy would continue to grow until he was remembered as one of the greatest wizards who ever walked the face of this Earth. And no, he didn't mean a great wizard in regards to power. He meant a great wizard in regards to the size of his heart.

Yes, the fact that he was still here and Sirius was gone was a crime.

Suddenly, Remus noticed something strange from the corner of his eye. He turned toward the back of the door that was the entrance to his room and noticed a blank piece of parchment that appeared to be stuck there. He got up to examine it, and as soon as he touched the paper it fell straight into his hands. He looked at both blank sides, and nearly crumpled it into a ball and threw it away when he thought that it was nothing but a useless piece of paper. As soon as he made this decision, though, a single line of writing appeared at the top of the page.

Say the magic words!

"Magic words?" Of course he knew plenty of "magic words", so Remus couldn't imagine what he needed to say in order to unlock what was hidden on this piece of parchment. Unless…

Remus took his wand from his pocket, pointed it at the blank page, and said, "I solemnly swear I am up to no good."

Within an instant the entire piece of parchment was filled with the messy handwriting of Sirius Black himself. As his heart began to beat so rapidly that he swore that he could hear it, Remus sat down on his bed and began to read.

Dear Moony,

If you are reading this letter, it means that I have died. Hopefully Snivelly's potion didn't backfire and I'm dead because you tore my head off. Anyway…

As I'm sure you realize by now, I wrote this letter to be my last wishes and last thoughts if I happened to fall while working for the Order.

First of all, don't grieve for me. I always knew that I wouldn't grow to be an old man and that I'd someday die while in the face of danger. I only hope that my death was for a great cause and that plenty of Voldemort's scum were taken down as a result of it. I know that I'm a bit grumpy and moody at times and that I may not act like it, but I truly believe in what this Order is fighting for and it is my honor and pleasure to give my life while trying to obtain the goals of this group.

Secondly, know that having you back in my life after those years in Azkaban has been one of the most thrilling things that I have ever felt. I remember sitting there alone in my cell for days at a time, agonizing over the fact that you thought I had been responsible for turning over James and Lily and that I had murdered Peter in cold blood because I had turned to the dark side. Knowing that we got to meet again and that you finally knew the truth meant more to me than I ever said to you. Thank you for being the best friend a man could ever have.

Lastly, take care of Harry. I know that you think he only sees you as his kind old teacher, but I know that boy respects you and looks up to you like an older brother. He needs you right now more than you could imagine. Sure, he's approaching manhood but he's still such a boy in so many ways, and he needs someone like you to give him the kind of guidance that someone like me could never provide for him. I only hope that he knows how much I love him.

I'll say it again. Don't grieve for me. Of course, never forget me…but you know that I don't like it when people I love are sad on account of something I did.

Your friend and brother,

Sirius Black

Remus read the letter again, and again, and again…He read the letter so many times that he eventually could have put it down and recited it by memory.

Stunned, his mind racing at full speed and suddenly feeling a bit dizzy again he sat down on his bed and stared down at the piece of parchment in his hands. Not even realizing what he was doing he allowed the letter to slip out of his grip onto the floor, he covered his eyes the sleeve of his jacket, and wept for his fallen, beloved friend.

When his melancholy state passed he wiped his eyes, carefully placed the parchment in his clothing trunk, and repeated some of the words that Sirius had written in his head. "He needs you right now more than you could imagine."

Perhaps tomorrow he'd fly over to Hogwarts and tell Harry that if he ever needed him, day or night, for whatever reason, all he had to do was owl him and he'd be there. He also thought that he'd tell him that it was perfectly fine if he stopped calling him Lupin and just called him Remus.

Maybe he was still here for a reason after all.


End file.
